What the Hell Happened by Rick “Snake” Arnold
Recap of the day’s NFL Fantasy Football Action!
Every so often I like to switch things up and try something different with the WTHH piece…keep people on their toes and keeps people looking for new things. The same thing over and over and over again can get boring. So what’s on tap for today? A random scattered storm of chaos I like to call “Sunday”. This is a blog meets WTHH meets my insane life. Spend a Sunday in my world…it’s a scary place!
Sunday
0710: Can I seriously be up already? Munk and I were up watching college football, drinking beer and grilling steaks late last night, why the hell can’t I sleep in? FWHAPPPPPP! My son is sleeping in my bed and just smacked me in the eyeball in his sleep. I think I figured out why I’m up already. Time to get up and see what happened in college football leagues and get the early injury info for today.
0800: My college team kicked ass! YESSSSS! Let’s hope the NFL carries it over and I rock today.
0810: Time to kick my son out of bed…Wal-Mart run before Gameday comes on! I drank like a fish Friday and Saturday so no need to get beer today….I think……I hope. Damn I’m weak.
0900: We’re at Wal-Mart…all 72 kinds of frozen pizza look good. Son and I load up with more junk food than any 4 houses should have. I balance it out by grabbing 1 bag of salad…we’re healthy now! I walk by the beer cooler and I swear I heard a whispering voice call my name. NO! Resist!
0930: We’re checking out and I see a lady with 3 ass cheeks…THREE FREAKIN’ CHEEKS! WTF? Obviously the hot chicks aren’t cruising Wal-Mart at 9 in the morning…the circus freaks however, are.
1000: Everything is unpacked, put away and it’s time for GAMEDAY!
1005: Jamal Lewis is active….son of a monkey’s whore. My Jerome Harrison pickup just crapped the bed. Now I have to pick up Glen damn Coffee just to have a starting RB against Chippy today. THis is not looking good. Who do I cut here to make room? I got it…Ahmad Bradshaw. He hasn’t done much this year and Jacobs is clearly the guy.
1100: My 16 year old daughter is making strange faces and mumbling something through our screen window…I’m convinced she’s on at least 3 different chemicals. No time for an intervention now, I have 9 leagues to get final lineups in on. D4 lineups looks good this week and that’s with Steven Jackson on the pine. Of course starting Shaun Hill at QB scares the bejeebus out of me. My game against Munk is going to blow…bye weeks killing me.
1130: My son just yelled “I’m dooooonnnnnneeeee”…great, time to wipe an ass.
1200: Kickoff! WOOHOOOOOO Let’s go players, put up the big points.
1215: I said COME ON PLAYERS PUT UP SOME FREAKIN POINTS!
1225: Great, Jeremy freakin Maclin catches a bomb score. I have DeSean in 2 of my lineups and he hasn’t caught a damn thing yet today. Chippy has McNabb in so this one hurts.
1230: Big Ben scores! Finally some points!
1231: Ahmad Bradshaw scores…WTF? Of course he scores after I drop him
1245: Ahmad Bradshaw has 60 total yards and 2 td’s now! What the hell have I done in my prior lives to consistently have my nutsack pulverized by the fantasy football gods on a weekly basis? Was I Hitler? Now that Bradshaw is on my wire I’m going to have to race all the homos in my league to try and get him back and he was already on my team an hour ago!
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF MYYYYYYYYYYYYYY LIFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
1300: Another Jeremy Maclin touchdown. This is bordering on ridiculous. I need beer. Fight it…….fight it. DeSean Jackson now has 1 carry for 0 yards. That’s it. I’m getting that sinking feeling.
1300: My son is off to a birthday party at the bowling alley, I pray he doesn’t throw himself down the lane or hit another kid with a bowling ball…you laugh but he’s already done both before.
1330: Chippy’s team is kicking my ass. Is there anything more embarrassing? I’d rather sport a speed-o backwards with my yambag hanging out and stroll down Venice beach than lose to Chippy. Wipe that shat-eating grin off your face right now Chippy you homo!
1400: Big Ben throws another TD…we’re making up some points. DeSean Jackson is still absolutely missing. Jeremy Maclin is going the fock off. I hate fantasy football
1410: The Dallas Cowboys are losing to the Chiefs…THE CHIEFS? Dallas is really really bad.
1410: Cleveland and Buffalo are making out with each other. 3-3 late in the game. What a horrible game. GAY!
1410: Cincinatti and Baltimore are in a battle…Ray Rice made run where he put his arm down to catch himself from falling, kept his balance and jetted into the endzone! HIGHLIGHT REEL PLAY! I’m so happy he’s on my bench! I played Brandon Jacobs instead. I’m seriously contemplating a trip up to New York and pulling a Tonya Harding job on Jacobs’ knee. He hasn’t done anything this year…all hype, no pudding. What does that mean? “No pudding” ? What the hell does pudding have to do with hype? I think I’m going into alcohol withdrawl…might need a beer run.
1430: The Cowboys have pulled ahead as Miles Austin is having the game of his life. Why is he having the game of his life? Because I don’t own him in a single focking league. Oh, I hyped him up in the Draft Guide. I told all you little fruits to draft him late. I’m sure some of you are just grinning today as he put up insane points for you. What has he done for me? Not a damn thing. My teams blow.
1500: The New York Giants prison-raped the Oakland Raiders today. so much for my Michael Bush hunch. I plugged that ass-dart into my lineup out of desperation in D1. Roll of the dice right? Swing for the fences…AND MISS! What on earth was I thinking this weekend? You would think I drank 40 beers or something :blush: I managed to monkeyfock every lineup I have this weekend by over-coaching. Classic mistake. You know, I’ve only been doing this for 25 FOCKING YEARS! I will never learn.
1501: The Vikings win over the Rams big but not fantasy big. I traded for Adrian Peterson in a league yesterday…2 td’s on the day but only 69 yards. It was the RAMS! COME ON! The Fantasy Gods are pissing on my forehead today! I’m going to mudstomp someone for this. Where is my 16 year-old? She’s got a beating coming for something I’m sure. She just started driving…ran my mailbox over last week. That deserves a beatdown right? F My-life.
1520: The Cowboys squeak one out in OT on another Miles Austin bomb…10 grabs for 250 yards and 2 td’s! HOLY CRIPES! He didn’t do that in the entire season last year! He’ll be the waiver wire flavor of the week.
1521: Jeremy Maclin finished with 6 grabs for 142 yards and 2 td’s. McNabb was on fire and Chippy’s team is kicking me in the yambag. DeSean Jackson finally had a catch! WOOHOOOO! 1 yard? 1 damn yard? You have to be kidding me right? 1 rush for 0 yards and 1 catch for 1 yard. I now firmly believe there are 3 or 4 fantasy football gods sitting up in the clouds looking down at me laughing their asses off. “Watch this, watch this…I’m gonna give DeSean Jackson 1 catch for just 1 yard…watch Snake go nuts! BWAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA” Very freaking funny Zues.
1535: Afternoon games are kicking off…my son just ran by me and he smells like a fresh-baked batch of ass brownies. The conversation goes like so:
ME: Did you crap your pants?
Son: No…I went to the toilet.
ME: Did you wipe your ass?
Son: No…it was a clean break.
SONOFAB#E$W@%%%%%PRH Holy skid mark
Off to give son a bath…hope I don’t miss any of my players doing anything (right…I won’t miss a thing).
1550: I have Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin against Chippy and wouldn’t you know Tim Hightower scores their touchdown? This is just torture. I’m going to need beer! I may just tip a few back for the evening game. Just 2 or 3 right? That wouldn’t hurt anything would it? Who am I kidding? If my team keeps playing like this I’m going to be drunk by halftime of the Colts v Titans game. Good thing we’re off tomorrow.
1600: Glen Coffee actually scores a touchdown! ONE OF MY PLAYERS ACTUALLY SCORED! WOOHOOO
1607: Denver has broken out the most god-awful ugly uniforms of all time. School bus yellow jerseys with dookie brown pants? Who was the rocket scientist to sign off on this idea? I would seriously slap whoever designed these things. It’s hurting my eyes to watch this game. Tom Brady looks like an ordinary QB.
1610: I drafted Larry Fitzgerald in the 1st round of my draft. Someone slap me. What the hell is his problem this year? He was so DOMINANT down the stretch last year and now I think my daughter could cover him. He’s got Boldin and Breaston there so he shouldn’t be doubled all the time. WTF? If Boldin and Fitz don’t both score today, I’m screwed.
1619: I’m convinced if I don’t watch my players play, they do better. Every time I switch to their game they start sucking butt-crack. I turn away and they start doing well. Time to un-watch all my players.
1620: Almost halftime of the afternoon games and I have ZERO touchdowns from Fitzgerald, Boldin, Knowshon Moreno. This sucks horribly. My Yankees come on in another hour…plenty of time for a quick beer run. It’s cool and cloudy out today. Might be time to drink myself into Happytown and watch baseball. This football thing just isn’t working very well for me.
1622: Roddy White just caught his 2nd TD of the day…a 90 yarder! Of course I don’t own him in any leagues. If I did he would have 1 catch for 0 yards.
1635: TWO TOUCHDOWNS FOR L-FITZ! I should stop crying huh? Finally we’re getting some points! Brandon Marshall scored for Denver…that helps me in our expert league. I’d rather have Knowshon score against Chippy!
1637: That chin-dimpled fruit Tom Brady just hit Ben Watson for a score. Is something wrong with Randy Moss? Is he invisible? Maybe he should wear one of those glow-bright school-bus yellow jerseys the Broncos are wearing.
1641: Michael Turner scores his 3rd TD of the day right before the half…I’m facing him in one league and getting mud-stomped. So much for adding Adrian Peterson to that lineup. I’m still getting spanked.
1644: Halftime of the afternoon games…I’m going to hook up some dinner for the kids and be back to watch the final slaughtering of my teams. I am definitely drinking beer for the Yankee game and night NFL game.
1650: Almond Khalua chiken is started…has anyone checked the Random Babe pics in our Cuss n Discuss forum lately? Bravo! There are some pics in there that just….WOW…..just WOW. Who’s a dirty old pervert?
1700: The Seahawks are KILLING the Jags? What the hell? Nate Burleson is going off and so is TJ Housh! Matt Hasselbeck makes a HUGE difference. He’s got 4 td’s already! Who woulda thought you’d be better off with Hass than you would with Tom Brady this week?
1705: Atlanta is performing lude acts on the 49ers. 38-10 and Roddy White is off the hook. His owners are saying “ABOUT TIME!”
1710: I can taste the beer now….Almond Khalua chicken is almost done and then I’m garage-bound for some ice cold beer. Since Chippy’s beating my team this week, I’m drinking the Corona he left in my garage fridge…screw him.
1739: The Donkos rough the kicker to keep the Patriots alive…great work. Moe Ron.
1740: Anyone else catch a pooter shot by Mike Sims-Walker being inactive? I luckily didn’t have him in my lineup. You bench your best WR for breaking team rules and Seattle beast you 41-0. Brilliant!
1741: Okay, it may be asking too much but since Houston has now caught back up can we get another L-Fitz score? Or a Boldin score? Either one will do just fine. I’m running out of time here. Chippy has Chris Johnson going tonight and he’s going to shred the Dolts. I NEED A LEAD!
1748: Houston has tied it up….let’s go ARIZONA! Air it out to Fitz and Boldin!
1749: I’m frantically bouncing box score to box score, league to league. Just 1 more quarter for all the games and it’s beer time! I’m weak.
1750: Cripes…Roddy White has a 200 yard day? Miles Austin a 250 yard day? DeSean Jackson a 1 yard day. My team blows. I may just trade it for some pocket lint and Chippy’s Garbage Patch Kid card collection.
1751: Atlanta just scored again…45-10 over San Fran. Think they’ll run Coffee? F-MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Coffee won’t get another freakin’ point. They’ll let that epileptic motard Shaun Hill flop about in the pocket only to throw some hot air balloon 5 yards behind his WR. On a side note, I’d like to bitch-slap Michael Crabtree. “So you’re humbled by this situation?” Mike: “No, I’m not humbled but it’s a humbling situation.” Huh? SO what you’re saying is a normal person would be humbled but you’re such a moronic ass-dart you’re not.
1753: Andre Johnson scores…3 Cardinals have a chance to tackle him and he runs over them like he’s playing with kindergartners. My son tackles better than that…GET YOUR WRAP! GO LOW AND WRAP!
1754: Is it beer time yet? Seriously. I will put up with that turkey-neck mushroom gobbler Cris Collinsworth as long as I have beer. Chippy brought a 12 pack of Corona and we drank all day…here’s hoping he was a light-weight and there’s at least 6 beers left!
1755: a 3 and out for Arizona? WTF? Just give them the game now and save 5 miinutes of your life you’re about to waste. Houston is roaring back and Arizona is just grabbing their ankles with a smile. We won’t see them in the Super Bowl again this year.
1756: Kyle Orton is actually doing an impersonation of an NFL quarterback! He’s driving the Donkos down for what could be a game-tying score? I have Moreno against Chippy! Let’s hope he breaks!
1757: Seattle is up 41-0 and Edgerrin James is running the ball…and looking good. How focking bad is Jacksonville?
1758: TAUNTING ON NEW ENGLAND! It’s about time someone put them in their place!
1759: BRANDON MARSHALL SCORES! WOOHOOO Denver has tied it up! This game is the only one that is any good this afternoon and it’s turning out to be a barn burner!
1800: CRAP! Arizona scores on a pick-6 INT! No Fitzgerald, no Boldin and no need to pass anymore in this game. I’m going to kick my neighbor’s cat right in the ass! This is bullshat!
1803: YES! Houston gets a huge kick return and could score to send that one to OT! OT OT OT!!!
1804: Seattle Jacksonville just ended 41-0 Seattle. Think the Jags are embarrassed? That’s pathetic. Maurice Jones-Drew kicked us all right in the wiener today. No scores, barely any yards…the Jags just blew ass on every level.
1805: Brady just missed Welker on what would have been a touchdown! BRADY SUCKS! WOOHOOO Denver gets the ball back with 4:00 to go!
1807: San Fran just whiffed on a scoring chance…Atlanta can run out the clock on that ass-stomping. 45-10! Looks like Samurai Mike still has a lot of work to do. Dear Frank Gore…please HURRY BACK!
1815: 4th and goal from the one and Arizona stops the Texans! DAMNIT! No more Fitz, No more Boldin!
1815: After a 3 and out from Denver, New England takes over and Brady gets jacked and loses the ball! GO DONKOS! Can Denver seriously move to 5-0? This team is FOR REAL! Their D is so much better than I thought. They almost look good in those UPS Brown Bumble Bee striped yellow uniforms.
1816: FOCKING KNOWSHON MORENO AND HIS FUMBLES! He just coughed it up AGAIN! Hurry up and run the next damn play before review! HURRY UP YOU MORONS! I will choke you with my elbow! Phewwwww, they ran a play.
1817: 3rd and long for Denver…2 plays to Knowshon and he doesn’t do shat with them. I NEED MORE POINTS AND YOU’RE MY LAST PLAYER BLOWSHON! LET’S GO!
1818: :22 seconds left and it looks like we’re headed to OT in this game. Can my blood pressure take this?
1819: How dumb was it for Houston to keep running that ball right into the huge pile of fat men play after play? Play-action pass? Rollout? Anything but plugging up the middle where all the defense is…I never got that.
1820: My kids made caramel apples today…my son is making out with an apple the size of his head and his face is covered with caramel…this is not going to end well. Let’s get this OT game over with so I can hit the garage, watch my Yankees for a while and have a few of Chippy’s beers!
1821: I’m going to do a voodoo dance and hex my TV with a power whammy on Chris Johnson tonight. I have a small lead on Chippy and he has CJ left. I’m going to make my kids do whammy dances against CJ too. Here’s hoping he sucks.
1822: Broncos win the coin toss…drive for a score and they win! GREAT GAME! This is easily the game of the day. The NFL scoreboard looked like a bad boob job it was so lopsided today.
1827: Kyle Orton looks like an NFL quarterback…is it Halloween already?
1829: EDDIE ROYAL WITH THE GRAB! Converts the 3rd down and moves into New England territory. Denver is fired up! KNOWSHON WITH A BIG RUN! WOOHOOO Then he goes out to catch his breath? What a sissy! Get your rookie ass back out there!
1830: Randy Moss is pouting…some things never change! BWHAHAHAHAHAHA Randy, you killed a bunch of us today. Quit pouting.
1833: Off-sides on New England…5 yards closer to a FG and replay 3rd down. Killer penalty. Nice work bonheads!
1834: Can we just GET THIS GAME OVER WITH? I WANT BEER!
1835: Incomplete to Marshall…41 yard FG coming up…please for the LOVE OF BEER make this kick!
1835: A timeout to ice the kicker? Seriously? How about icing my beer you fruit! You’re not icing the kicker.
1836: Here we go………..IT IS GOOD! DENVER WINS! 5-0! WHY AM I TYPING IN CAPS AND SO EXCITED? I HATE DENVER! MAYBE BECAUSE I GET TO GO DRINK BEER NOW?
1837: I’m off…going to watch the Yankees and the Colts game for a while. It’s been a crazy day and I’m on the edge in many leagues. The funny thing about this timeline is I know each and EVERY one of you out there does the EXACT SAME THING! Lineups, injury, box scores, channel swapping, more box scores, cussing, kicking small animals, and at the end of the day you wonder why on earth you do this to yourself…but you can’t wait to do it all over again next week!
1838: Sign off.
